walk around aimlessly with nowhere in mind to go.

thats what i've been doing(:

hmm.

yes i love my family.
i spent 16 hours at home.(with them)
i talk to them like less than 20 minutes.
get back to work.
thats life now.
i miss calling ayah 'berok'.

but if i really do call him that.
i duno whether i'll get a slap from him.
haha
too old for all this ayah will say.
i malay of course.

today was performance day actuallly
but i din peform in the end
minus-1 cocked up
but had fun yeah
i love soundcard and its people(:
and ya.

can everyone stop effing blog about me
so irritating.
u just dun realise if u are puttingg me aside.
i've had enough.
and i've grown up.
so i hope you grow up to(:

i miss stage arts):
i miss cvss gfs
i miss everyone
(:
sayang semua.

sometimes you just need to breakdown

before straightening out your thoughts.

and doing what you have to do(:

im alright now(:

when the world just comes crashing down on you


when you realise you're all alone


when you don't have a home.


when you no longer can fake a smile.

breakdown. its been a while.

Alhamdullilah
today twin turns 16 finally.
it was a long wait.(:

i've got so much things to tell you twin
how i appreciate you.
how i loved you.
okay i shall stop before i sound like a lesbian.

I WANNA MEET U(:
but sadly i dun have time):
soon k twin soon(;

moving on.
shitty thins happen.
and if you realise
i always say that.

but i believe things will get better.
i know it will.

i miss going to old folks home.
i miss doing service to those who need them most.
at least they know how to appreciate.

i've learnt that
when you give help
to different kinds of people.
you will receive different results.
i know of some.

as many say patience is a virtue.
i guess it really is.
coz while i can still breathe,
i'll try to be as patient as i can.
i have to believe
i have to

sorry twin.
i just can't do what you would do.
standing up for your own right.
i'm a weakling.
i just dun wanna make things worst.
i dun wanna hurt anyone. anymore.

and julian.
through this tough journey right now
we were able to like come together.
and i learnt lots of new stuff about you.
i have to admit.
you are one of those who have matured.
don't stress yourself about it alright.
coz you know we both have TONNES of work.
keep yourself busy and it will slip your mind for awhile
at least for awhile.
and i'm saying all this as a friend(:
nothing more. nothing less.
thanx julian(:

so jia you to myself!
i will get through every shitty thing that occurs!
JIA YOU!

i'm still holding on.
not to love. friends.
if not friends at least to a sister.

blogging
just one of the ways to communicate.
this is all i can do right now.

to busy and stuck with work.
work, work and more work.

there are tonnes of bad things about me
i swear there are.
one of them that i HATE most is
being too sensitive to every single word i hear.

i just don't think i had rushed u
if u think i did.
well.
i'm not sorry at all
coz i know
what i did or said
was sincere in helping u
really.i said those words with all my heart.

when i said those people around you loved you
THEY REALLY DO LOVE YOU
when i said things wasn't your fault
IT REALLY WASN'T YOUR FAULT.

i was just too disappointed on you pushing me aside
when in the past
you would always tell me what u have in mind.
what you feel
i always told you even when things get worst
u can always count on me

but when it really did
you just stopped.
the feeling was worst than
the time
when i lost a friend
a good friend.
just like that
but now
its worst
coz i was
losing a sister.

but i guess
its okay that you still have dehwee.
u will always have dehwee to talk to

what about me?
i don't have.
i won't have a sister whom i can share stuff with.
whose always there supporting me
always together tru think and thin.
happy and sad.
funny and angry.

you may say
i have others to talk to.
but do u know
how lonely i really am
how i really feel as thou everyone is pushing me away.
my cvss mates.
my good friends.
and now
my closest one

and now
i've also broken a promise to a friend
whom i promise
to cheer u up
everytime i meet u.
i'm sorry friend.

i think i'm affected by all this
that my mind's in a whirl.
my mood goes from left,right,up,down
and my health.
its getting worst.
falling sick,
emotionally
physically
mentally

i just hope you don't regret every decision you make.
i hope you are glad with every move you make.
it was hard.
but i'm contented
coz at least you have her by your side.

yours sincerely: hanisah

P.S. i still don't know what i mean to you.

i'm just used to it i guess

just feeling numb
not feeling numb
just numb
i can't feel anymore

HAHA
oh my allah.
im done with this weeks ica
both of them on the same day.

i thank allah for everything
seriously
i really just wanna go with the flow
like what allah has written for me.
i no longer wanna try
i dun wanna try hard
in the end
i'll just FAIL
left alone.
in one corner.

its okae
everything will be alright(:

rush. time! stress. ignore. HELP?

my mind is filled with those words.
i feel so stupid.
maybe i really am.

oh wait.
who always starts the topic?
i did?
nope not me.

wrong.
apologise?
is there a need?
i wonder.

i just don't understand.
maybe u do.

there during shitty times.
your side.
and now?
okae fine i get it.

am i suppose to feel guilty?
are u trying to make me feel guilty?
no. am i?

sorry that was all those short random thoughts
i had to note them down.
just need to.
aniwae
you guys know what life is.
itsaboutgettingupafterafall.
even heroes fall sometimes.
why not us normal imperfect human beings.

hard?
i guess it is.
but life has to go on.
life has to go on..

contented that someone's by ur side.
at least im sure ur in good hands.
straighten out your thoughts.
u may come
try to talk.
but don't know whether you'ed be answer.
don't know.

life has to go on and im going on
going on
icas.