school just started on monday.
but i dun feel as though school has started yet.
maybe because we have yet to get our assignments
and icas.

ouh btw.
the school studio is coolzszszszxszxzx.
very nice.
i cant wait to get started with school this sem.
okay wait
i seriously cant believe what ive just said.
but yeah who cares??

why am i being megaxszxzss sensitive this days.
abit only show tantrum.
abit only show angry
abit only scold.
i think i need help.
i need a health checkup.

aniwae.
from now on.
i will zip up to save the trouble okay.
haiyooo
soo difficult.
sometimes i cant tell when someone is serious or not.
its so hard to differentiate.
so i am sorry of i have hurt anyone.
yeap.
thats it i guess.

and my life is good and moving babeh!
nites peeplings(;

being numb isnt a way out.
being numb will just lead you to the same exact position
u dont want to end up being at or doing.
which is an ultimate breakdown.

i hear so many voices.
each voice saying a different thing.
i don't know what i should do.
which voice should i listen to
which voice i should follow.

right now i can't even trust myself.
because whenever i start trusting myself
and doing what i think is right.
everything will go haywire.
when i say everything
i mean everything.

and being stuck in the same situation over and over again sucks
if only a machine was created to tell how we really feel about something
i would have bought like hundreds of them.
i feel like banging my head against the wall.
for being so indecisive and confused.
oh wells. i should just forget about it.

i hate IM.
because u dun know how the other person behind the other computer screen
truly feels.
and their their facial expression remains unknown.
so u will never know if they were being sarcastic or just replying to u
for the sake of replying.
but i am sooo addicted to IM because its the one of the ways i use
to keep in contact with my friends.

and if u realise its always me who loses out.
i guess i am born a loser huh.

but u know what.
maybe i should try to win frm now on.
because i am always giving in
its time for me to stop giving in and make my stand.
no more giving in
no more miss nice girl
okay. ill end it here.
im in school btw.

chiaos!

club crawl.
was a bomb!
i have yet to get the pictures yet.
so yeap soon aite!

firstly i would like to congratulate the stage arts club crawl committee
lead by sumalatha.
as it was a success.
to me it was.
though the number of humans streaming into the sports hall this year
were not as what we expected,
we still manage to get a large number of sign ups(:
awesome job committee members.

next comes soundcard.
though the booth was simple
though we did not have mascot.
we concentrated more on performances.
and i must say.
for a very new club.
its a job very very very well done.
well that is my very personal view lah.
and yes.
i apologise that i concentrated more on stage arts.
and u guys always know its always been that way.
nonetheless, i still love you guys(:
we rock club crawl(:
and committee members especially,
job well done(:

like i said.
my life is back on track.
but there are still things missing
people missing.

if only.
if only.
if only.

now
everything feels so different.
i whine at this
i whine at that

i did not whine in the past
i was very thankful of what i already had.
maybe.
its because.
things have changed now.
maybe its not things have changed
i have changed.

i can find a reason to cry.
but i cant cry.
why is that so?
maybe its because i still feel numb.
ouh gosh.
maybe i should stop being a bitch and just get back to my book
evening peeplings.

i have so much to say!
okay okay

after weeks of practice for orientation performance,
finally we got on to that stage.
and having the chance to perform at the auditorium
was an honour to me.

it was great.
what made me happy was that.
the crowd enjoyed the performance.
and so did we; the performers(:

running around, jumping up and down
acting like retards.
big actions.
its not easy to act hyper.
its not easy to act gay
its not easy to act macho
its not easy to act nerd
its not easy to act shy
but we stage arters as a team pulled it off so well.
and i am very happy at that fact.
i am proud to say i am from stage arts.
and they are my family(:
great job guys!
credits to our
NICHOLAS LONG!
KAYE DALLANE!
MUHAMMAD ILHAM!
without you guys. we wont even be able to get the chance to perform on that stage
for such a huge crowd.
YOU GUYS ROCK!

okay orientation was a blast.
sooo
lets talk abt upcoming event. club crawllllll
yeap yeap. club crawl will be very hectic and busy.
i wonder how everything will go
i wonder how i should divide myself.
and i am sorry stage arts club crawl committee president.
i cannot fully commit to stage arts.
because i still have my soundcard.
they are also my family.

apart from that
lifes been great.
i got back my close friend
i got back my sister.
in short i got back my life.
yet.
i lost me.
you guys dun have to understand this.
because i guess only i do.

and oh yes.
i have been having trouble uploading the videos from my camera
to facebook
i duno why ):
i am soo sad
because those videos are great videos.
super funny videos.
can someone help me?
pweety pleaseeeee.

okay lah.
to see pictures of orientation/club crawl practice/la selle.
go see my facebook photos.
u will see everything there.
i did not edit anything.
i uploaded EVERYTHING.

okay lah gtg. omg this post is freaking long.
nites peeplings(;

stage arts bbq.
was.
a.
BOMB!

had tonnes of fun.
from three people ganging up on me.
do duno what dance.
falling down on the sand duno how many times.
getting wet by hanaffi.
camwhoring.
star-gazing.
and most of all.
just being there with my loved ones made me smile(:

yes.
it was the time.
where i felt whole again.
where i did not care of what people around me think.
of what i do and say.
because at that point of time.
i was just too happy.
too happy to care about how other people(strangers)
felt about my behaviour.

it was just what i needed.
a day by the beach.

and i miss so many people right now.
and i need a new book.
but i have yet found the time to borrow one.

and ouh.
i am interested in reading twilight.
anyone has the book
please kindly lend me for a week.
ill return it to u before a week.
please(:

and i get a lil sensitive this days.
sorry yeah.
and yes i love u all.

ouh ouh.
soundcards great too okay(:
love you guys alot alot.
i have nothing else to say.
nites peeplings.

p/s: to view pictures go to my facebook profile.

practice practice and more practice.
thats what i have been doing.

for both drama.(orientation and club crawl performance)
and soundcard(dance steps and singing)

yes i admit.
i am going crazy.
like real crazy.
but i know i can do it!
we all can!

oh yes.
i get angry very easily this days.
so never provoke me.
i might just flare up at u.

i am only looking forward to barbeque.
this sat.
with stage arters.

and maybe what i need right now is just
a walk in the rain.
drown everything.
to calm myself down.
oh allah.
help me.
i dun want to be the nasty me again.

okay i shall get going and sleep get my rest.
that i really really deserve.
nites peeplings.(:

read this story below.

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you.
She sat down and ate quietly.
Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question.
This made her angry.
She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!
-----------
That night, we didn't talk to each other.
She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage.
But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew.
I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces.
--------------
The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger.
I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see.
To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
-----------------
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing.
I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
-----------------
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into our bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
------------------
I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions...
She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd.
No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy.
-------------------
Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms.
His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset.
I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
-----------------
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time..
I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
-----------------------
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
---------------------
Suddenly it hit me...She had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out.
To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
------------------
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs.
--------------------
Dew opened the door and I said to her,"Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore."She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head.
Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce.
My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us part.
--------------
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote,I'll carry you out every morning until death do us part.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I ran up the stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.I know how her heart could not bear to hear my last words now. I still carried her, my last one... this time with my wretched heart.
-----------------
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, what so ever. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy.

this story above. touched me.

intimacy.

subahanallah.

aniwae i forgot to blog about something.

i went for to help leila's sister's wedding as a kendarat.

and leila.

thank you.

because now i have at least abit to cover up all those things

that i need to pay up for.

thank you very much.

and as the performances dates come nearer.

i get more and more nervous.

the tension is rising baby.

be hyper nisah be hyper!

i duno why.

i can get affected so much by what people say this days.

and i feel like ive lost it all.

all of my confidence.

all of it.

i have to do something.

to get it back.

i want to

i need to.

ill just end it here.

nites peeplings(:

when u break rules u get punished by law.
when u break promises u lose/break/hurt hearts.

i know i am noone to say this.
but looking at you both like this...
i just gotta say something.

do u realise what u guys are losing out at?

its obvious he has learnt his lesson
because i believe that you should give him one last chance.

and i think you should have never made that promise
but since u did u have to make up to it.

yes u may call me whatever u want.
kpo/bitch/minah.
but all i want is to see my friends happy.
and i would feel contented with that.

i just hope u guys think thoroughly
do u think what you guys are doing worth it?
breaking a promise cause this much pain?

now i know.
ill never break promises.
cause i dun want to break ties.

yes i lie alot.
but i dun pretend.
when i lie.
there must be reasons behind it.
noone likes to lie.
well i know i dun.

i duno what i am saying but yeah this is what i feel.
so rojak.
okay my brother's blabbering.
nights peeplings(;

4th april.

went for madrasah in the morning as usual(:
and yes atikah
OVERSLEPT AND DID NOT COME!
hahhaa.
but had fun anyway(:

it was then straight down to nyp.
or stage arts drama meet up.
nd i swear it was freaking hot just now.
super duper hot.
sweat like 10 buckets!
okay fine fine i am exxagerating.
but had fun(:

den went off
had to rush to somewhere before heading for sim lim with kakak(:
so here comes the pictures(:

oh my i remember what she said
"ini lah mase nyer untuk cuci mate! tak salah tau!"
i looked at her because i have never heard her say that!
it was shocking.

yes yes.
she gets to cuci mate( wash eyes by watching and spotting cute an hawt guys)
WHEN I GET TO SEE ONLY ONE!!!
I WANT TO CRYYY!
okay okay let the pictures do the talking aite!

have fun laughing at it!

and yes i love her to the max!

nites peeplings(;

because ill take care of u no matter what.

you are no longer a kakak angkat to me

u are my kakak.

u get that?

and please take care.

because i dun want to see u falling sick.

and no matter what happens.

ill still smile.

and even if i cant.

ill draw that smile.

and ill agree with u kakak

fate is evil.